Excerpt from Living With the In-Laws. Coming February 2021 on Amazon! Sign up for the mailing list here (don’t worry, you’ll only receive a few emails a year).

August 2019

Some men need to realize that we have it a lot easier than women, especially those women with irritable bowel syndrome. I can’t claim to know what it’s like to be a woman, but gender-neutral washrooms[1] gave me insight into oppressive bathroom wait lines. In 1866, bathroom equality ceased to exist thanks to one of the most used inventions of all time: the urinal. Men became free to stand shoulder-to-shoulder in awkward silence as we relieve ourselves in an area that takes up little place. This allows for ultimate efficiency by systematically separating a quick tinkle from a three- to thirty-minute poop (the time depends on the entertainment value of our current newsfeed). Not only is it efficient, but it is also artistic. Thanks to Marcel Duchamp[2], men get to appropriate modern art with decorative urine every time they pee. If I have enough of an arsenal, I try to hit every hole in the urinal mint just so I can change the shape and colour. I believe Duchamp would be proud.

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“So let not this present life deceive you,” Surah Fatir, Verse 5.

Angie’s Diary

October 5th, 2016

My boyfriend decided to come out to his parents today. Well, “come out” might not be the most appropriate phrase. You know, me being a woman and all. But it’s similar in that a person, who has never really done anything wrong, is frightened of his parents, or at least sickeningly nervous about their reaction. I can’t fathom it, but he might be disowned by his family today. I mean, we’re talking about the type of guy that can have one ol’ fashion or a glass of wine while ‘his boys’ are slamming back shot skies — that’s when you glue several shot glasses to an old ski and take the shots simultaneously — and then drive them home.

Not that his friends are deadbeats. I remember going out with them one night; most conversations revolved around things like philosophy, speculating about the future, and political rhetoric, but while they further indulged in booze and the conversations grew louder and shifted to Tinder dates, my man remained collected and himself.

Then, one of his friends shouted out, “Can you believe that this guy got the mechanical engineer position at GE healthcare?” One in two hundred applicants received a position, but Usman played it down as though he simply lucked out and tried to stir the conversation back to their ‘accomplishments.’ Maybe I’m making him sound like a prude. That’s not the case — I mean, when it comes to sharing my dark sense of humour, there’s no one else I can laugh with more.

That night we went out with his friends; he asked one of his close friends — a black man — to take a picture of the rest of us. When his friend asked him why he couldn’t be in it, he told him he didn’t want him to ruin the picture, and then I added (after three hours of knowing this guy) “you should be more worried about him stealing the camera.” Fortunately, his friend had a similar sense of humour, and the privileged white girl and redhead jokes came my way a bit later. Read the full story here